Girl with Dragonfly tattoo
-
Pages
-
Categories
Quiero irme de aqui….
Quiero irme de aqui.
Recuerdo tu cara, tus ojos, tu libélula.
Tu pelo, me sopla el oido por donde quiera que volteo.
De repente me siento totalmente vacio.
Timing
We were together for a little over a year and a half. As much as you persisted to be in a relationship I pushed back claiming I wasn’t in one. But still you kept at it.
I think timing was a big thing with us… I don’t feel I ever had that time to be alone to heal and not feel like I’d have to question my feelings for my partner- if it was me being on the rebound.
You asked me once, “Are you going to just let me walk away?”. I remember telling you “no”. I meant that.
I just never thought that you’d be the one that would be doing the walking.
Does it mean anything to you?
I struggle with words which ultimately feel like phrases I’ve heard in movies or tv. The words ” I love you” are so overused and many a times ultimately don’t amount to much. What I struggle with, is fearing that in the moment when I say “I love you” the feeling will be lost or not projected and not felt or received by you.
However, whenever I made you something it came from deep inside me. This was my way of expressing my love for you. A feeling strong enough to inspire me to create specifically for you. The fact that it’s tangible, whether its food, a bookshelf, etc. is a direct manifestation of what I felt for you. It cannot be questioned. If what I made for you could talk it would say…. “Inspired by you, I am made for no one else, but only for you. It is because of you that I exist.”
On the flip side when you cook me food or made me a book it was had for me not to be swept off my feet. I might not have shown it but i was deeply touched. Don’t know if it has to do with me being a male. A big part of me suspects so. My friend Jennie says it’s not the same for girls. According to her women need to hear that you love them- and they need to hear it on a frequent basis. Why are girls so strange?
She told me that I shouldn’t worry about whether or not the full meaning will be received when I say those words. So in a sense it’s not about me, but more about what my partner needs to hear in that moment. That does makes sense and it registers .
But is this realization too late? That’s the million dollar question that I’ve been asking myself ever since the last time I dropped you off at the airport.
Something Out of Nothing…
In one of my earlier posts I started talking about creation and how it’s important to me. So I wound up digging up some odd pieces of lumber i had left from previous projects. And took it upon myself to create something out of nothing. Remember- I asked what would you have made out of the lumber?
Since I’ve been reading a lot of books on Transformation… I decided the best thing to make was a bookshelf to store them in. The following picture shows how far I had come on the project last time I worked on it. Today I spent most of the day staining it. Sanding, staining and finishing is the part I don’t particularly care for. Part of it is because I don’t have a shop to create stuff in- it’s all done outside. Otherwise I wouldn’t mind so much this last step of the finishing process.
shelf
stained, finished and waxed...
Choreography as creating…
“How about choreography?” I ask myself. Not only would I be creating something out of nothing but it might just help me get out of this plateau I am experiencing with Salsa. You know that plateau where it feels like you keep doing the same moves over and over again? Ya I’ve been feeling that way about my dancing for a good while now. But I am finally doing something about it.
Crazy enough how things line up when you’re ready for them. A couple of weeks back Out of nowhere this dance instructor chick i had met back in the Fall (and forgotten about), emails me and asks me if I’m interested in possibly performing, and doing some occasional social salsa parties with her to start getting the name out. The thing that blows me away is that I had just decided that I was going to create a choreography a week earlier. And Kavoom! Next thing I know I am practicing with her. Ya, I know craaaazy!
I am using this ‘sickass” salsa groove by Eddie Palmieri. More to come on that later….
On Creating…
The lack of artistic expression, i believe contributed to me feeling like i was in a rut. In the past, the remodeling of my house, in sense filled the need of creating. Now that I am taking a break from my house the possibilities of creating are almost endless. It’s both exciting and stressful at the same time. Where do i begin?
One of projects i recently started this past Saturday initially looked like this:
pieces of lumber
By the end of the day I had it assembled. The fun part came on Sunday which I spent most of the afternoon and early evening sanding it. (Being sarcastic about it being fun, it was anything but fun.) But the cool thing about it is that I made it from scratch. Initially it was just an idea in my head and now it’s a physical manifestation 
. I’ll post more pictures of the stages of this beast once i have it all stained and finished. In the meantime you can play around with the idea of what i created… If you had those pieces of wood what would you do with them?
Keep Strong…
A friend of mine recently asked me for some advise; which prompted me in telling him something to the effect of “make a decision…& be strong”. Ironically, I am repeating these same words to myself in my head ” Be strong Miko. Be strong.” I feel like I am at an all time low right now even as the sun and spring suggest promising things to come.
Much of it has to do with feelings of isolation… Again other than work I have chosen to limit, or better yet should I say ‘eliminate’, my social activities that I engage in during these 90 days. It wasn’t this bad during the first 45 days because a good friend of mine has been doing a great job of getting me to get out even if it’s once every couple of weeks. But recently she decided she no longer wants to hang out with me.
I’d go into explaining it but it’s way too complicated, so I’ll pass to another time when and if I feel ready to do so. Forewarning though, you will have to corner me to get it out of me. Apparently I’m stubborn that way.
The point is that she is gone. Just like that she has disappeared from my life. No more texts, no more calling me and no more trying to convince me to get out and do things… She broke it to me over the phone – she left me with the implication that if there was any chance left for us I’d have to do something about it. Because she wasn’t going to try anymore.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not trying have a pity party. She had her reasons for doing so, and I’ll take my part of the responsibility for the way it affected her. And although I’ve been talking about trying to be more ‘independent’ I can’t help but feel lonely right now. A huge part of me wants to just get into my car and go be with her. But the logic in me is telling me to remain calm, and appreciate this opportunity and space to reflect on how, when and why I should proceed. Last thing I’d want right now is to be acting out of fear and desperation.
Have you ever felt this way? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Till next time…
Reaching the 1/2 way mark…
So I was told by a friend recently that I’ve reached the halfway mark of this so called personal hiatus; and she asked me how it was going? She’s probably right on on the halfway mark. I wouldn’t be able to give you the exact date of when that occurs but I can say that I have a little over 6 weeks left to go. May 22nd officially will be the date that I have given myself to come back and get plugged into society.
How has it been going? I wish I had some words of enlightenment or major epiphanies to share with you, but I don’t. What I can say is that it has given me a bit of clarity on a few things. Taking away my Salsa evening and weekend social activity allows me to evaluate if me feeling tired has more to do with my 40 work week or because of the late nights dancing.
What I am starting to feel is that it has more to do with my job. It’s not what it used to be- it’s definitely more stressful. I am feeling more like a social worker than an Academic Advisor. The realization then is that I don’t want to stop dancing- dancing helps me keep it “balanced”. Dancing is my outlet to unwind.
Now I am trying to decide how serious I want to be with it. Should I go back into teaching? Do I want to perform? Do I want to do both? Those are just some of the questions I have asked myself as far as Salsa’s concerned.
I can say that in the six weeks since i’ve started this personal retreat, I’ve checked my Facebook once from my cellphone. Having had a couple of drinks and right around my birthday, my weekness got the best of me. However I was only on FB just long enough for it not to be noticable (i checked it when I went to the bathroom), so it mustn’t have been for more than two minutes.
Apart from Facebook, I’ve also stayed away from junk food. Most of my meals since i’ve been doing the 90 days I have cooked myself. And I’ve also have started working out. (more about working out in later posts). Well better get going- trying to get some ideas on performances…
Living in the moment? or Living in the question?
Amber Black, who’s a friend and an Occupational Therapist recommends The Art of Now by Jay Dixit . She stated, “It’s about living in the moment-practicing mindfulness”. The article talks about what living in the moment is and gives clear examples of how often we aren’t living in the moment (i.e. ” …we fantasize about being on vacation; on vacation, we worry about the work piling up on our desks”. Becoming aware of this or being “mindful” according to the Dixit can be achieved by simply breathing and meditating. Dixit cites that people who are mindful are also, “…happier, more exuberant, more empathetic, and more secure.” Apparently there’s also a lot of benefits to being mindful;-)
On the other hand my “Facebook Friend” Katie Jean Arnold, a singer, songwriter, performance artist suggests “access consciousness” , which challenges you to question if the “life you are currently living enough for you?”. I met her salsa dancing a couple of years back. Just recently I noticed through FB, that she got rid of most of her material possesions, limiting essentials to what she could pack into two suitcase; and hit the road. Within the last couple of months she’s visited more places in the Southwest and Eastcoast than I’ve visited in the last 5 years- Incredible!